on motherhood.

my children didn't ask to have me as a mother,
but they have changed my life by being mine.
i first became a mom when my nicholas andrew was born on new year's day 2000.
i remember holding my little baby that felt as light and small as holding a folded t-shirt and simultaneously feeling a weight in my heart that felt much heavier.
there was an ability to love inside me that i did not recognize.
i loved nicholas simply because he was.
i was bound to this little one in love as much as he was bound to me for his very life.

i had my oliver eighteen months later.
when i was pregnant with him, i was afraid of not being able to love as much as i had with my first. when i saw him, i knew~
his very presence created space in my heart that i feared didn't exist.

those first years of having my little toddler/baby duo were amazing. they grew me up like nothing ever has. they made me give more than i thought i could, they made me think of myself less, they made me smile and laugh a lot, and they made me so exhausted that there were days i thought i couldn't survive. they made me need God.

then four years ago, our little gem was born. abigail came with sparkle that is still her own. she has awaken a new femininity in my soul just by the way she looks at me. she makes me remember that i am a woman, mother, sister and daughter. she teaches me that hope and beauty and romance are captured in a woman's heart. and she teaches me how to love the boys that surround us~ to make them want to be our princes.

and just when i thought my heart and arms were full, my little elliot entered the scene and magically made space for himself.
he brightens the room when he waddles into it. i'm melted when he holds on to me while i'm holding him. more than any other thing, he teaches me to relax. he teaches me that it's okay to sit for a minute, to take a deep breath and to slow down. i'm sure these are just his beginning lessons for me.

i don't think that i would recognize the woman i was before these souls joined our family. in some ways, i'm far worse that i've ever hoped to be as a mom. the way the kids love me despite myself reminds me of ultimate forgiveness that is mine. amazingly.

my heart is now four times larger than i ever thought it would be.
and that, to me is what it means to be a mother.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you.