happy friday | 3.2.12

yesterday, my brother turned forty. we're getting older.
(happy birthday andy!!)

the day before, my 'leap year birthday' friend celebrated a real birthday
(happy birthday liz!)
and wrote this beautiful essay about wonder and ferry boats 
and language development and eating leftovers.

and today, i had a meltdown.
the morning was pretty typical for us.
a steady pace at first quickly turning into running about trying to tie shoes and zip coats
so as not to be late to school AGAIN.
and we arrived okay.
i only erupted once or twice in my attempts to make the children hurry.

we parked and walked our typical block to school while chatting and 
darting over and around the cracks in the sidewalks.
after dropping oliver and abigail off,
elliot became a robot that would break, repair itself or just stop working.
the game continued in the car with the robot wondering out loud
"what. is. that.? what. is. my. name?" and such.
we decided we would call the robot. 'L-E-OT.'
well, when i dropped L-E-OT off to school, he carefully disguised himself into a regular boy.
and that regular boy hugged me tight and told me he wished i could stay.
it was then, i wondered to myself when my next snack day was.
(snack day at our preschool is when the parent gets to visit the class, 
spend the day with their child, as well as bring snacks in for the classmates.)
i was sure my day was coming up, 
but when i checked the calendar,
i realized i was wrong.

my snack day was today.

i had nothing with me.
i didn't even brush my teeth before i left the house today!
and my boy, my cute little robot boy,
didn't even know i was supposed to be there.

i know this doesn't sound like a big deal
but you should know, to my embarrassment
that this is the third time this winter that i've screwed up my snack day.
i've been desperately wanting to visit with elliot and have that special day.
so, i left in tears.
because even though i could go get food and make it okay,
i missed the part of joining in with him and planning it together.
and that to me, is the whole point.

i remember as a young girl
carrying groceries into the house to help my parents.
i often would take at least one too many bags into my skinny little arms
and either barely make it into the kitchen or worse, drop one along the way.

today reminded me that that little girl who tried to carry too much
isn't far from this woman's 38 year old self.

and when i carry too much, that ever elusive 
is never found.

today, i made one of my own all too common mistakes.
i'm not sure why i struggle so with planning and details, but it's definitely my battle to bear.

i am learning though.
i'm trying to think through boundaries
 (reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)
and learning to say no to things i need to say no to.
learning i can't make decisions for others, only myself.
learning that the way i feel is valid.
perhaps this lesson of boundaries and life management will take my whole lifetime though.

when i came home this morning all teary eyed to my compassionate hubs,
 he offered to take the snack for me.
and shared his own story of shame over a similar mistake.

ironically, when he and i woke up this morning,
he told me he had dreamed that i left him.
that i said, "you're never going to change." and left.

and here i am today,
unsure that i'll ever change.
and he stepped in to help.

and just as i'll continue to help him find his keys and wallet almost daily,
he'll be there for me when i continue to make my common mistakes.

so today, my happy friday exists completely around
the grace extended to me by those i live with.
hope yours is happy too.